Some things are never okay

Just when I think I will be able to go back to some memory full spot and be okay, I’m reminded that there are some places that might never be just another hallway to me.  I realized the extent of my naivety last night.  A friend of mine was in the hospital having surgery (doing well, home today) last night so two of us went up there to sit with the family.  Of course, being at Covenant brings back memories of my mom being in the hospital, I knew that.  However, this isn’t my first time back so I thought it would be fine (apparently, I’m more of a idealist than I thought).  This time though we parked in the same garage as my brother and I did for five days before my mom died and walked the same path where my brother and I had many a conversation that I would rather forget.  Still doing okay though.  Once we find out where the waiting room is we head up to 2nd floor east.  My stomach dropped.  This is also SICU — where my mom spent four of the last five days of her life. 

As soon as I stepped out of the elevators I almost had to turn around and go back downstairs.  I quickly told myself that this visit wasn’t about me and I would not say another word about it.  My thoughts, however, did not stop.  It was as though I could see all our friends as they one by one went into SICU to tell my mom, their friend, good-bye.  It was there that I last talked to my mom, where she last said “I love you”, where she made sure her friends would take care of me. 

When I remember my mom I am grateful that I don’t usually remember her sick.  I remember her healthy and full of energy.  I remember how she used to put these hideously large bows in my hair because she had a little girl.  I remember how she hated wearing shoes and loved Texas Tech and how excited she would be for the new football season and for the new campaign they just announced.  I remember how she loved being a grandmother.  I choose to remember her healthy but last night I was slapped in the face with the memory of her last days.