Out of hiatus

I guess I’m technically out of my hiatus.  I haven’t officially turned in the thesis yet — I did at one point but I’m changing some things up now.  I know these changes are going to make it a better product and I want that.  I also REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want to be completely finished.  I love saying “Oh, I’m finished”.  It lasted for about two days and it was really fun.  You could say that I enjoy being sassy.  That would be true.

So just a few more days of this hanging over my head.  I’ve got to figure out how to report regression analysis and I’m done.  See, I started out with simple correlation analyses — very elementary.   My committee member helping me with the stats wants me to use regression.  It’s a better statistical test to run and I know how to do it.  However, knowing how to run something doesn’t mean I enjoy it.  It also means I go back to a class from a year ago.  Luckily, it’s all coming back.  Whew!  Love that.  Kind of makes me feel smart.  I like that feeling.

I’m half-back.  Soon enough — I’ll be all back.  Watch out world!!

Hiatus

Not that I’m that great at regularly updating my blog but I wanted to let you know that I’m taking a mini-hiatus (roughly a week) to write my thesis.  YAY!! 

Have a great week!!!

Going with Perseverance

So we’re going with perseverance as the lesson right now.  (I’m sure there are many more in there too).  After I posted about how things were not going so great today, I picked up a book I’m currently reading.  It’s called All Cracked Up by Patsy Clairmont.  If you haven’t ever read anything of hers and you like to laugh — you are missing out!  She is hilarious and insightful at the same time.  I aspire to that.

So I pick up where I left off and she is talking about dedication and perseverance.  What?!?!  Okay, God — I’m listening now.  She talks about her struggles with persevering — I get that.  It would be easy to just throw in the towel now.  I don’t want to do that (and I don’t think those around me would let me).  She goes on to give examples of the Bible of people who persevered.  Moses — patiently waited in the desert before finding his way in the wilderness.  “Joseph was thrown in prison, where he spent years learning the Egyptian language.  He could have despaired, but instead he used that time to prepare for God’s call“.  That one hit me hard.

There are more but that one sentence hit home with me.  I can despair right now because things aren’t going as I had planned, but really, when have they ever?  God is always in charge and it always works out in ways I couldn’t have imagined.  Here’s the other thing — I know He has called me to something.  He calls us all to something.  We are here for a purpose.  A purpose that is all our own.  Not be confused with all on our own — in community we all have our own unique purpose.  Could it be that I need to learn how to persevere in order to fulfill the specific purpose God has for me and my life?  That I can use this time to prepare myself for what God has in store.  I believe He does have great things in store for all of us.  This just might be part of my training.

The day after

So yesterday was my mom’s birthday. She would have been 63. I basically kept myself busy most of the day. However, there came a time when I had to sit still. I didn’t do that very well (shocker, I know). I was with a great group of people but I just didn’t want to be with a bunch of people right then. So I did what I always do (hate giving my secrets away!) and went to my hideout — the nearest bathroom. Lucky for me I have some amazing friends and when one of them realized where I was, she left where she was to come find me. I didn’t ask her to — she just did. What an amazing friend. Other than my bad mood, which lifted eventually, I made it through the day.

Then came today. Why is it that the day after is always the worst? I knew it would be and I tried to prepare myself but it didn’t work so well. I went to work out this morning and that was great. Love those endorphins. Then I came home to work on my thesis. I get a call from my officemate — she tells me they have packed up my desk and all my things are on someone else’s desk. My desk is gone. I was told I had a few more days to clean it out. I should explain that no, I wasn’t fired, I’m just graduating in August so my job at TTU is finished. It was part of the graduate program. Wait . . . the next email I get is one telling me that one of my three thesis committee members doesn’t think I can defend in the required time frame.

Bring on the tears. I hate that I cry over this stuff but I do and I did. So there. I want to be finished. I want to run my statistics and graduate. I want to close this chapter in my life. I know that God will use all this to teach me a lesson. I know it will be a good lesson. I just want to learn it and move on. Wait, I might regret that later. Oh well. Perseverance. I’m so close to the finish line. I can see it but I can’t quite reach it. I want to cross over SO badly.

Phillipians 3: 10-13.

10I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. 12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to ake hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Moving In

For those of you who don’t know, I just moved.  I moved into a townhouse that my mom owned and lived in for a while before she got re-married.  I was hesitant to move in but now that I’m here — it’s amazing.  I love it.  Before I moved all my stuff in, I decided I needed to look for some decorative items to go in the build in bookshelves.  Here is what I found:

Love it!!!

Remembering

Today I went to another funeral.  One of my dearest friend’s grandad died this week.  He was more than a grandfather to her and I know it sucks (I know it’s not a “kosher” word but perhaps appropriate).  I know they are grieving.  I wish it were easier and didn’t hurt so much.   

Grief can do weird things to a person.  I’m slowly realizing how much I don’t remember from the first few months of my own grief when my mom died.  A friend asked me earlier today if this was the first funeral I had been to since my mom’s.  No, no, I assured her, my friend’s mom died, remember?  I’ve been to one since then.  In the middle of the funeral today I suddenly remembered that I had actually been to TWO funerals since my mom’s.  Not only did I go but I drove to Amarillo, ate lunch with the family, and came back to Lubbock to attend the graveside.  It’s wasn’t a quick funeral one morning yet I had completely forgotten about it until today.  This was for a good friend’s grandmother, a long time family friend.  How exactly does one forget that? 

Again, grief does funny things.  I also began to wonder if I had sent my friend flowers when her mom died.  It was only three months after my own mom and reliving that with her was hard; but I should have thought to send flowers.  I honestly still don’t remember if I did or not.  I hope I did.  If not, I’m really sorry. 

For everyone else out there who I might have said something to or not said something to and you were offended — I’m sorry.  I truly am.  It was not intentional.  I can promise you that. 

Cancun

Some of you may have noticed the new “page” — The Cancun look.  I’m actually utilizing it as another blog.  So keep checking it if you want to hear about my trek to get in shape and ready for Cancun! 

Mother’s Day weekend (and the city election)

This weekend was a lot of things.  It was a lot of things that make me sad.  I’ve told you about Friday so I’ll start with Saturday.  Saturday was good and it was bad.  My friend was in town and that was great.  I loved spending time with her and her family.  Saturday night was hard.  Her dad lost the mayoral election.  I’m very sad for my hometown but that is another blog and another place. 

I didn’t actually cry until that night as a good friend made a speech and mentioned those who had lost their mother’s in the last year.  I just felt sad and alone.  I don’t like that feeling – not sure who does.  I was surrounded by people and yet I felt all alone.  I was grateful that a woman in front of me reached back and held my hand.  It made a difference.  I still felt incredibly sad that my mom wasn’t there but for a brief moment I didn’t feel all alone. 

Mother’s Day I was determined to go to church.  I know a lot of people skip out on Mother’s Day when their mom has died and I get why.  I really do.  I, however, didn’t want to think that my sadness could dictate whether I went to church or not.  People die on earth because we are sinful and live in a fallen world but we live eternally in Heaven and I didn’t want to not go because we live in a fallen world.  I know that quite a trek from one thought to another but that’s just how my mind operates.  On top of that I knew I would feel really alone without my church family surrounding me.  I have an amazing church family and there are few places I would have rather been on a day I was missing my mom. 

Last, I went to my mom’s grave for the first time.  I asked my friend, who was in town, to go with me.  She had actually been once before.  We took some flowers as we stood by her grave, we talked about some memories we shared and about how grateful we were to have those memories.  She was such a good mom.  Sure, we argued and we could be very different but she was a good mom.  Then I thought about those I know who won’t have those memories and we both cried for them.  We went and saw her Gramps and her aunt and talked about how we weren’t sad for them, we were sad for us.  How great to spending eternity with Jesus.  I can’t wait. 

may 9th

As I mentioned in my last post, today is one year from the day my mom was diagnosed with cancer.  It was later we found out it was terminal.  This time last year I was walking about Covenant Hospital with my step father while my mom went from one test to another.  With each report I painstakingly wrote down every detail the doctor said so that I could relay it to my brother and sister-in-law, both doctors.  I spent the night weeping in her hospital room.  

Instead of being tired and sad today (although there were a few tears) I wanted to post the words to another Bebo song (still from the Try album).  This song was originally written for two of my dear friends.  I want to thank all my friends and family who have lent me a shoulder, listened to me cry, traveled to be by my side at my mom’s funeral, allowed me to yell, put up with me not responding and dealing quietly, or simply let me talk about something else.   Thank you most of all for the prayers that have upheld me, I do not walk this road alone.

Borrow Mine -

Take my hand and walk with me a while
Cause it seems your smile has left you
And don’t give in, when you fall apart
And your broken heart has failed you
I’ll set a light up
On a hilltop
To show you my love
For this world to see

You can borrow mine
When your hope is gone
Borrow mine
When you can’t go on
‘Cause the world will not defeat you
When we’re side by side
When your faith is hard to find
You can borrow mine

Take my love when all that you can see
Is the raging sea all around us
And don’t give up ’cause I’m not letting go
And the God we know will not fail us
We’ll lay it all down
As we call out
Sweet Savior
help our unbelief

You can borrow mine
When your hope is gone
Borrow mine
When you can’t go on
‘Cause the world will not defeat you
When we’re side by side
When your faith is hard to find
You can borrow mine

When you are weak
Unable to speak
You are not alone
The God who has saved us
Will never forsake us
he’s coming to take us
Take us to our home

You can borrow mine
When your hope is gone
Borrow mine
When you can’t go on
‘Cause the world will not defeat you
When we’re side by side
When your faith is hard to find
When your faith is hard to find
You can borrow mine

Take my hand
Take my love
Don’t give in
Don’t give up

Drifting

It always seems that I go for days without having anything to write and then multiple blog topics hit me all at once.  Then I end up with long posts that no one reads because people are busy.  Then I get writer’s block and the frustrating cycle of events begins again.  However, I digress.   

Music has always been a big part of my life.  No, I can’t sing and I can’t really say that I’m musically inclined in any other way than that I really enjoy it.  It can reflect my mood, change my mood, take me back to a different place and time, and pump me up for the future.  A majority of the time it simply allows me to reflect.  I used to sit for hours in my bedroom when I was little and listen to my radio and Amy Grant.  Loved her (first concert).  Corny though it may be — music reaches down and grabs me in ways other things and people have yet to do.  I even used to attempt writing  my own song lyrics.  I thought it might be my way into the music industry.  In fact, when we were cleaning out my mom’s house I found an old set of lyrics I wrote a long time ago.  I didn’t even remember writing them and/or giving them to her. 

A few years ago, a friend of mine suggested I start really paying attention to the song lyrics that I gravitated towards at any given point in time.  Her theory was that it might tell me something about what my subconscioius was thinking.  I’m not sure if I’d go that far but I do think we are drawn to lyrics that relate to where we are in life.  As May 9th and Mother’s Day get closer and closer I often find myself flashing back to a year ago.  I remember that my mom and Steve went to San Antonio this past weekend and I stayed at their house.  My friend’s daughter had her 5th birthday party (this Saturday I went to her 6th birthday party) and then they came over to my mom’s house with me.  My mom was fine or so we thought.  I remember asking her what we were going to do for Mother’s Day and trying to schedule lunch with her that week.  And I remember how the Wednesday before Mother’s Day (May 9th) my world turned upside down.  And I’m not sure it’s rightside up even now. 

That brings me to this song.  When this album (Try, Bebo Norman) first came out I listened to this song over and over again — just ask my DC roommate who had to endure it EVERY morning on his way to work.  At the time I related it to being in a new place with few friends to finding my niche in that same place with amazing friends.  I think you’ll easily see the significance now. 

Drifting

Sometimes when I’m all alone
I don’t know if I can
Take another breath
Some say home is where the heart is
Tell me where my home is
‘Cause I am scared to death

Falling from the rooftop
Crashing like a raindrop
Can you make my heart stop
Shaking like a leaf
Standing at the floodgate
Steady as an earthquake
Can you hear my heart break
Tearing at the seams

I am drifting in the deep end
Holding on to your hand
Is all that saves me now
Life can treat you like a beggar
You hold me together
But I don’t know how

Falling from the rooftop
Crashing like a raindrop
Can you make my heart stop
Shaking like a leaf
Standing at the floodgate
Steady as an earthquake
Can you hear my heart break
Tearing at the seams

Some say home is where the heart is
And my heart is in your hands
You are all I need

Rising from the ashes
Lifting from the madness
Now you see my heart is
Deep enough to dream
Heal me from the deathblow
Lead and I will follow
Now you feel my heart glow
Mending at the seams

I believe God is in the business of mending broken hearts and I believe that includes my heart (for many reasons).  There are days I feel like I break a seam or two but He always puts it back together.  I also realize more and more that this is not home.  Home is where the heart is and my heart is with Him.  I’ve always felt slightly out of place in this world — because it’s not what it was supposed to be.  However, I want to be exactly what God intended for me to be.  I pray that each day I get a little closer to that goal.